Nefrit El-Or

Five months ago I set upon a journey in purpose of recovery from a devastating disease. An illness that I have been battling silently and alone for 30 years.  Anorexia Nervosa.

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While suffering from the physical and mental long-term effects of malnourishment and extreme weight loss, in the aftermath of 2.5 years of unremitting starvation, I found myself hanging between life and death. 

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My Crohn’s disease- yet another illness I have been battling with- had conveniently lent itself as my perfect "cover", under which I hid my very destructive eating disorder behaviors. No one had suspected that the severe, on-going weight loss was from anything else.

But one evening in February 2022- as I lay in bed with excruciating hunger pangs in the pit of my stomach, with my head swimming, from within the fog of starvation- I felt I may simply not wake up again. 

I knew it was time to ask for help. 

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And so, with a sense of despair and exigency, haunted by the fear that my husband and two kids may awake one morning to find me lying lifeless in bed, I finally reached out. I spoke up. 

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To borrow a quote from Peter Pan: “And with a fine candour I told what I had hitherto concealed.”

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For that was the very first time that I ever told anyone about my biggest secret, my eating disorder, and the terrible incident that was partially the culprit of its onset . A disease with which I had a very intimate, though highly abusive relationship. A nefarious illness I have danced closely with ever since I was 15 years old, and never knew I had. 

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Ever since speaking, my life had taken on a new path. A path towards recovery from this devastating disease. And as I advanced further down recovery road, it became clear to me that I wanted to make it my life goal to help others who are struggling to cope with similar issues. 

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I am hoping that by sharing my personal story and music I may help encourage others to speak about their own struggles as well. 

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Because breaking the silence alone was already half of my battle. Just by speaking up, the demons of Anorexia had already diminished their power over me. 

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I made the first step on a road that was thorny, terrifying, daunting, and obscure; the most uncomfortable first step I had ever taken on any previous path. 

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But I took the road less traveled. I stopped hiding behind the dark secrets and that was the very first step toward healing.